Race for life

Decided to do race for life this year, Going to see if my Mum wants to do it with me.
Next month it would of been a year since my Nan passed away due to cancer and I want to try and raise money for the charity I don’t think I will raise that much but its the taking part and trying something different.

Joan Murphy.

My Nan passed away yesterday, I know that Luke passing and Anne upset me and my family but for me this is my first family death and she was my only Nan, It hurts so much more, I was her first grandchild she used to take me everywhere when I was younger. She would let me play with her make up, I always stayed over at hers, She made me watch horror films from such a young age so she is the reason I love a good horror. So many memories, I even remember that song she used to sing to me and Niamh…

"Happy talkin’ talkin’ happy talk, Talk about the things you’d like to do, You’ve got to have a dream, If you don’t have a dream, How you gonna have a dream come true"

The ring that was left to me in her will is two sizes too small, Will get it resized, I don’t think it has properly sunk in that she is gone.

I had just got to work and saw Gemma and flung my arms in the air and said “GEMMA!” then my face dropped and I laughed to myself hard and Gemma asked “What?” I aid in between laughs that I forgot to put a bra on! Phoned up to the manager and told her while still laughing and Gemma laughing too my manager burst out laughing also so I said I would quickly run home and get one on so I left and I tried calling my Mum to tell her and I got through to her and I kept trying to say that I have the best story to tell her and she just kept saying “Has Niamh called you yet?” I said “No” then she just blurted it out while crying “Nan died this morning” I just stopped breathing and held on to the brick wall and started to cry, Been crying a lot since but I still do not think that It has properly sunk in, Greg went left for work at half 8, Odd being here alone now with my thoughts, he took the day off work for me yesterday which was really nice of him cause I know his training is so important to him now.
Ok I am rambling now but I just don’t know what to do…I’m just looking at wreaths for her, I don’t know if she has a favourite flower…I know for sure though that it will have pink in it, Maybe some lilies.

It wasn’t even the cancer that got her, but it sure weakened her and her heart.



I am going to miss you so much Nan, I’ll always be your little munchkin. Now you’ll be happier with your brothers and Joyce. I love you.

Nanny Ann

I know i had not seen you in years but if i ever thought of you or described you it would of been like i saw you five minutes ago…black hair, slim always smelt like insense sticks, bean bags in your living room , the little star tattoos near your eye..always wore black, i still remember the rainbow tumblers i used to drink from there, i remember being a young and it was mine and aishers birthday and i remember chanting in the garden with you…i love that you lived in camden, a proper hippy, you even used to say far out! You will be missed Nanny Ann, sorry i didn’t visit more. RIP. X

Upset.

I finished work and met my sister to go visit my Nan after her operation to remove the tumour and we got there and we couldn’t see her, Her bed was shielded off with thick blue curtains surrounding her and all i could hear was bleeping machines and many many feet, The hasteness in their steps, It worried me so much.
My sister & I were asked if we wanted to sit down in the office so we did and waited, Our uncle soon turned up and then we were told what was wrong..

She isn’t breathing, They have drugged her to put her on a ventilator and once they have stabled her they will move her to intensive care straight away.
We were then left alone for a very long time then they said we could go and see her before we go as she is so drugged up that she won’t be awake till tomorrow so we went through and i was not prepared for what i saw..

Just laying there almost lifeless and very pale, A machine breathing for her, tubes and wires all over her bed and 3 different machines and a man pressing air into her mouth with some bag..I walked out and everyone else in her room was looking at us so i left the room and bursted out crying, I thought i would be strong enough to deal with seeing her like that but i was far from it, I really need Greg right now.

We don’t know if she’ll make it.

Sunday with 10 notes / reblog
So far the family are doing ok since the news about my Nan having cancer, People at work noticed something was up with me today..My boss bought me a chocolate cake thing to try and cheer me up. Work though i was only there for four hours that they felt like four very long hours.My Nan is meeting with cancer specialists on Monday so hopefully we will find out more about what cancer she has and what not.

I got home from work today and my sister greeted me with some very sad news about my Nan, She found out today at around 3.00pm that she has cancer.

Me and my nan were so close when i was younger, we’d always go out together she’d always get me a cake in town, I grew up and we weren’t as close anymore, i guess that happens all the time as grandchildren start to get there own life started, Friends and that.
I didn’t cry when my sister told me, I was just very quite. I don’t think it has settled in just yet as this is the first time anything has really happened in my family apart from my Mum’s encounter the other year.
We don’t really bother with the rest of our family it is just Mum, Nan, Sharon (Aunt), Me, My two sisters and my little brother Ajay so we are all going to help and support her, Anything she needs and cleaning and that.
She starts chemotherapy and radiotherapy next weekend, The lump will be removed early next week.
I can’t really talk to my Mum about this as she will just get upset and i don’t like seeing her cry.
Don’t know what to do. If anyone is able to talk to me about something like this so i know what to expect with her treatment i would be very thankful.